A Guide to Understanding Pronouns
It is almost impossible to watch the news or scroll through social media without seeing discussion of people’s pronouns. The conversations range from LGBTQ+ community members explaining their experiences to anti LGBTQ+ political figures like Texas Senator Ted Cruz proclaiming that their pronouns are “kiss my ass”. So what are pronouns and why do they matter?
Pronouns are the words we use to refer to a person other than their name. When it comes to pronouns, there are two broad categories that people fall into: cisgender and transgender.
Cisgender: refers to someone whose gender identity aligns with their sex assigned at birth. Cisgender people can be gay or straight, and typically use he/him or she/her pronouns.
Transgender: refers to someone whose gender identity does not align with their sex assigned at birth. Transgender people can be gay or straight, and typically use pronouns that align with their gender identity. For transgender men this would often be he/him, for transgender women this would often be she/her, and for non-binary people this would often be they/them. Non-Binary refers to someone whose gender identity falls outside of the categories of “man” and “woman”.
Using a person’s pronouns is not just the respectful thing to do, but it also serves as an important acknowledgement of their gender identity. It allows people to feel safe, seen, and affirmed in communities where that may not often be the case. A local transgender woman described it this way:
“While on my way to buy groceries, I was feeling good about my appearance - I had put a lot of effort in that day to look good and I felt like myself. I felt comfortable.
"Sir! Do you need a cart?"
Those words struck me like a dagger. Are they talking to me? Do I turn around? Are they being purposely malicious or was my effort I put into my appearance that day just not enough?
I spent the rest of that day with extra stress, that just made everything else I had to do harder.”
As LGBTQ+ people and allies it is important to support the transgender and non-binary communities. She went on to describe a recent experience she had at her dentist:
“I told the receptionist my new name and pronouns, but was still nervous the hygienists would be confused or mess up, especially since I've been going to this dentist for many years. I was surprised and so relieved when they called me back using my new name, and every single person I interacted with or overheard used the correct name and pronouns for me. It made me feel safe and welcome, and showed me they care about making their patients comfortable and dignified.”
Mistakes happen, but it’s important to know the effect our words can have on someone's day as well as their broader mental health. If you find yourself in a situation where you have accidentally misgendered somebody, meaning that you have used the wrong name or pronouns to refer to them, the best course of action is to apologize, correct yourself, and move forward with the conversation. A local non-binary person put it this way:
“I hate it when people make a big deal out of accidentally misgendering me. It happens to the best of us. I just want to be treated like a person instead of a conversational burden.”
Here are a few ways to apply this information in your day-to-day life:
Give Your Pronouns: When you introduce yourself to someone, try including your pronouns in your introduction. This takes the pressure off of the person you are talking to and brings up the topic in a less stressful way than directly asking them.
Use Gender Neutral Terms: If you aren’t sure how you should refer to someone, use gender neutral terms like they, them, person, etc.
Be an Advocate: If someone misgenders an openly transgender or non-binary person in front of you, correct them. This one can be tricky, but it is incredibly important. If the person who is being misgendered is still in the closet then you should only do this if they have given you permission to do so.